Springfield.... Present Day: We are inside Mr. Burns' office at the Nuclear Power Plant. Blue Haired Lawyer has come to advise Mr. Burns about a potential trouble.
Blue Haired Lawyer: "Mr. Burns, it has come to my attention that an internet regular known as "Blueduck37" has learned about your involvement with the death of the World of Springfield toy line. He is close to revealing this news to the members of the Simpsons Collector website. I would advise you to pay him off in order to avoid a lot of hatemail from those members."
Burns: "Send him an invitation to my office. And oil the hinges on the trapdoor."
Blueduck arrives in Mr. Burns' Office
Burns: "Oy, what a geek. Hello, Blue...Duck is it? I'm Monty Burns. Congratulations! You've won an award. The Montgomery Burns Award for....Outstanding Achievement...um...In The Field Of....um...Excellence! Yes, that's it! Now all you have to do is sign this confidentiality agreement and the award is all yours."
Blueduck: "Will there be a ceremony?"
Blue Haired Lawyer nods.
Burns: "Yes. At the... um.... (looks at framed newspaper of the Blinky incident) the BLINKY awards!
Here are your red carpet gala preshow hosts... Troy McClure and Helen Lovejoy.
Troy: "Welcome to the Blinkies preshow gala! Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such award ceremonies as THE SECOND ANNUAL BLINKY AWARDS!"
Helen: "And I'm Helen Lovejoy. Gossip afficianado and fashion critic for the Springfield Times. I am predicting a big list for my Worst Dressed Column this year."
Troy: "Let's take you to red carpet reporter, Kent Brockman."
Kent: "I'm Kent Brockman. Here, yet again, surrounded by Springfield's 'finest' and I use that term loosely...for another Blinkys ceremony. Arriving now is the Simpsons family. Nominated for several awards including the Best Simpsons Family Member. Unfair to the rest of the town in this reporter's opinion. What do you have to say, Mr. Simpson?"
Homer: "The Simpsons are going to the Blinkies! Woo hoo!"
Troy and Helen overlooking the red carpet...
Helen: "Tsk! Don't the Simpsons have any other clothes in their wardrobe?"
Troy: "Ooo, this is awkward. The original Simpsons family is arriving at the same time."
Helen: "Awkward, yes.... but seeing the Simpsons now and then makes good TV!"
Original Homer (in Walter Matthau voice): "What are you people doing here? This isn't the 2002 ceremony. 2003 is the year of the original Simpsons."
Sunday Best Homer: "If you all win any awards I'll personally buy you some frosty chocolate milkshakes!"
Homers in unison: "Woohoo!"
Above the red carpet, Troy and Helen...
Troy: "GOSSIP ALERT, Helen! Lucy Lawless, TV's Xena is arriving with Springfield's own drunken recovering alcoholic Barney Gumble!"
Helen: "Somebody call Martha Stewart, cause that girl's stock is dropping! This is clearly a publicity stunt. She was better off with the Comic Book Guy."
Kent: "Welcome back to Springfield, Ms. Lawless. I see you have become friendly with one of our more unsavory residents."
Lucy Lawless: "The Warrior Queen needs a Plow King, baby!"
Plow King: "Brrrapppppppp!!!!"
Kent: "Classy. What a wonderful way to start the 4th annual Blinky awards... Anyway, we take you now to the Aztec Theater and your host for the evening, Krusty the Klown!"
Krusty: "HEY HEY! Welcome to the 2003 Blinky Awards! Hoo ha ha haa! Without further adieu, please welcome the presenters for 'Best Simpsons Family Member', Fatty and Smell-ma. Oops, I guess Homer Simpson has tweaked my lines."
Patty: "Fatty and Smell-ma huh? You, sir, are no Richard Dean Anderson."
Selma: "Well, I guess you won't be needing the teleprompter tonight, Krusty. It's only for people who know how to READ.
Krusty scowls off-stage
Patty: "Let's make this fast. The smell in this place is unbearable. This award is for 'Best Simpsons Family Member'. I pity who had to vote for this one."
Selma: "And the winner is....(*grunt*) Mr. Plow Homer."
Mr. Plow: "Woo hoo! I'd like to take this opportunity to re-open the Mr. Plow driveway plow service. Call KL5- 3226. That's right for the low low price of just..."
Patty (interrupting): "It's May you dolt. I don't think you are going to have a lot of snow plow business right now unless you move to Alaska."
Selma: "Actually, what a fantastic idea. Move to Alaska. We'll fund the move."
Mr. Plow: "Shut up, sea hags. (*to himself*) Stupid Marge's sisters."
Arriving to the stage to present the 'Best Supporting Character' award are Kirk Van Houten and Luanne Van Houten.
Luanne: "This is ironic that we are presenting 'Best Supporting Character' since you don't seem to know what the term 'support' means as in 'Child Support'."
Kirk: "Yeah, and also ironic since you never SUPPORTED my dreams of making it to the top in the box factory"
Luanne: "Oh please, those dreams were as flimsy as one of your crappy boxes."
Krusty grabs the envelope from the bickering exes and opens it.
Krusty: "And the winner is... DUFFMAN!"
Duffman: "OH YEA! Thank you! I have two words and thirteen pelvic thrusts in response to this victory. Oh yeah!!!"
Duffman starts stripping and commences pelvic thrusts until he is interrupted by Krusty.
Krusty: I apologize to the FCC for that unfortunate 'wardrobe malfunction'.... (*clears throat uncomfortably*)... Now it's time for the Customs Awards. The award for Best Custom Playset goes to BathroomBoy for the Bowlarama front desk!"
Krusty: "Kudos BathroomBoy! Moving on to the next custom award.... (*opens envelope*) ... The winner for Best Custom Figure(s) is Mr. Pinchy aka 'Maker of Thing's for the Seven Duffs!"
Krusty: "Be sure to check out all the great customs in Professor Frink's Custom Lab!... And now, presenting the award for 'Best Couple' are Boxing Homer and Original Marge!"
Original Marge: "We are here to prove that even the best couples sometimes have an occasional squabble now and then."
Boxing Homer: "My god, what happened to you Marge?! Your posture is terrible! Did your hair salon close down?"
Original Marge: "I'm Marge from the late 80's. I've come a long way since then. And speaking of a couple that has come a long way since their original forms... the winners of the award: Future Burns and Robot Smithers!"
Smoke fills the room and the transmission distorts as Future Burns and Robot Smithers enter the theater...apparently from the distant future
Future Burns: "Smithers! THIS is the 'major award' we came all the way from the next century to receive?!?"
Robot Smithers: "Yes sir. All the way from the "Next Century" (*cough*)
Future Burns: "This is ghastly! First they recognize us as a COUPLE! Then they hand me this abominable three eyed fish that thwarted my gubernatorial aspirations. This fish is the bane of my existance. Come Smithers! It's time to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!"
Robot Smithers: "Ruff! Ruff!"
Future Burns and Robot Smithers disappear as more smoke fills the room
Krusty: "Patty and Selma, I thought we told you this was a NON SMOKING theater!"....
- Install the Akbar Font
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